THE MEANING OF LIFE...

i have spent the last year [and many months] trying to make sense of, and decide what to do with, what's left of my life. No melodrama intended in that sentence. C'est vraiment vrai. For the 1st time in my life I've felt totally alone; with the exception of very close friends, who have been there for me, and seen me through the hell that was 2011 [which has dragged on into 2012] and are still here for me. I've seen other friendships and relationships strain and/or crumble, over what i consider to be mostly meaningless trivial stuff; possibly my fault; possibly not; but... i cannot and will not beat myself up about it. life goes on... and on... and i must do the same. 

I'm trying to convince myself and believe that nothing exists, or matters, except the moment I'm/we're in; that my/our "thoughts" create situations that don't even exist; that are not even there; that are imaginary. Nothing i ever said or did in the past, nor anything i 'think' i will do in the future is relevant to the here and now, to the present. when negative, paranoid,or guilt thoughts come, i tell my mind to "shut up"; and by doing so, turn them off.
so often, so much mental dialogue plays, that i am having conversations and/or arguments with myself about things that really do not matter or exist. I beat myself up over things i 'should've could've would've' done, or DID do, which are no longer relevant. i am trying seriously to not even think about tomorrow, or any time after then...

All the noise and racket and bombardment on the senses 24x7 of this modern day world drives me crazy. i should have been born in or before the Victorian era. Silence IS golden. maybe platinum. Therefore, when home [and i almost never leave home unless i absolutely have to] i never turn on tv/radio/stereo or whatever. the house is so quiet that i can actually hear the clock ticking; which might not be a good thing, but it does remind me that time is fleeting; that whatever i 'plan' to do, needs to be done now. to quote nina hagen, 'the future is now'... BUT

i've stopped waking and thinking "i MUST" do something [fill in the blank] - and to quote phillipe martig [swiss friend], "i must do nothing" has become my mantra. i don't even consider jumping feet first into the rat race; it is what i am avoiding. now, normally - after coffee and journal writing- i only do whatever is in front of me that i 'think' needs to be done- be it music or art or laundry or dishes- with NO stress. i know from experience that in the big picture nobody can MAKE anything happen. My father always told me not to worry about anything because there was nothing i [anyone] could do about it.

Except for performing live concerts, i am happy to have delegated my business, i.e. merchandise [music, art, and photography] to cyberspace. With both distributors i have absolute artistic freedom; i can release anything i choose. i don't have to worry about impressing someone's brother in law, relative or friend, with no music business experience, who just got made "A&R man" at the label. [more common than you think] - or deal with the snake pits of the music or art worlds- both of which i have experienced first hand since my 20s.

i was asked recently "when were you happiest?" - to which i replied, "i don't think i have ever actually been what most people would consider happy; but when or if i was, it was short lived" so the question was changed to "well, when were you most content?" to which i said, "when i am in the creative process; i am only happy when i am creating" - a few days later i thought of that, and thought of Joseph Campbell saying "Follow your bliss..."


yesterday, i finally edited [for release] 7 improvisational solo piano cds, which i 'conceived and gave birth to' here, at home, last year. they were done as therapy- as meditation- as prayers, using my electric piano direct to MiniDisc- then transferred and cropped in Sound Forge. With the exception of some reverb on some tracks, everything is exactly as i played it. it was done in my usual work mode: make coffee, roll some smokes, turn on machines and sit and play until the MD is full, then put in another one and keep going, OR, if i have been at it all day and night, stop and begin the same routine the next day. i usually only stop to make more coffee, roll more cigarettes, and or eat.

When i am in Switzerland,i do the same routine with the solo acoustic piano [except that i use a Tascam DR1, placed on a crate behind the piano, to get bounce back from the concrete wall, then edit the files on my laptop in Sound Forge] and synth improvisation: which i sometimes record directly to a MiniDisc, if i am only using one track/one voice- OR to a Mac G4- using Audacity- if i am multitracking- then transfer the files to my laptop, fly them into Acid- and edit/mix/etc] --- i have not even begun to delve* into the improvisational acoustic piano tracks or synthesizer works i began in 2009- 2012. but at least i have a years worth of cds finished, to put online, while i do*.

after editing and burning the 7 cds I listened to, checked/proofed them, while i did several charcoal pencil drawings, which will go online, for sale, as soon as i scan/upload them. as is, i am selling prints of my work: which the company can print in various forms: on a stretched canvas [like a painting]- or just the canvas; on a slab of acrylic; as a matted and framed print; or as a print only- and in many various sizes. i am amazed at all the possibilities. i will be adding my original analog ['hand made'] works very soon. 

[C]2012 DOUG DUFFEY

Mother's Day 2012/Remembering Mama

Some photos in memory of my beloved Mother, [ADA NAOMI JONES DUFFEY: 1918-2011] on this Mother's Day; the 2nd since her death. She was my rock, my heart, my best friend, and the light of my life. She was always supportive of me in everything i did and always gave me 100% unconditional love. I miss her more than words can ever say... and always will. 

Also included are photos of Mama with my late father [LOYD BASIL DUFFEY, SR.: 1915-2011]  my late brother [Loyd Basil Duffey Jr 1940-1996], sister Sue Dodd [who does not like for me to post any photos of her on FB], my grandmothers, some family, and me. Bittersweet memories, all; but today, it's about remembering Mama. 

 

 

  

Mama, LB, my maternal grandmother Martha Barnett Jones

Mama Daddy & LB

Mama on the Rio Grande Bridge

Mama w/Kodak- she definitely gave me the photo bug

LB, Mama, Sue- Aunt Ruth

my favorite photo of Mama and me

Mama Sue & Me 1950s

Mama and Sue- pipeline

Mama w/Kodak, me, New Mexico

Mama & Indian Chief- Oklahoma

Mama with her Mama- Martha Barnett Jones

Mama & Mama- my late paternal grandmother, Emma Wooten Duffey Deats, with Mama 1960s

Mama @ the beach w/ my old friend Craig Jacola [RIP]- California 1970s

Lorna & Mama- @ the beach- California 1970s

Bill Dunn, Mama, Glenda DeVille -Little Rock 1970s

me and mama sitting on the stoop of my house 4000 Dumaine, New orleans early 1990s

Jean, Mama, and LB[RIP]

Mama-@ Jacqueline's- Switzerland 1990s

Mama @ cafe on the Weissenstein- Switzerland 1990s double exposure

Mama in horse drawn carraige- Interlaken, Switzerland

Jean and Mama- Venice

Mama by Rialto bridge- Venice, Italy

Mama, Jean Duffey[RIP], Jacqueline- Brienz, Switzerland

Mama and Jean- Neuchatel

Jacqueline, Mama, Jean- Bern, Switzerland

Jackie, Mama, Jean- Neuchatel

Mama & Me on the terrace @ Jackie's condo; Lago Lugano; Porto Ceresio, Italy

Mama- Lago Lugano; Porto Ceresio, Italy

Mama- Arosa, Switzerland

Mama- Me- Emi Stotzer- Lengnau, Switzerland

Mama & I- Bern, Switzerland

Mama/Jean- Bern, Switzerland

Me, Mama, Jean- Porto Ceresio, Italy

Mama- Strasbourg, France

Mama- Germany

Mama- Heidiland, Switzerland

tres belle

 

Jacqueline & Mama @ Graceland; Memphis

me, daddy, sue & mama- 2002

Me and Mama- Hotel Monteleon, New Orleans Jazz Fest 2003

JC [mama's great grandson] Lori, her niece and Mama

Mama in the car

jacqueline & Mama- krewe of st. ann parade- mardi gras, new orleans

Mama receiving a 'Bush baby' as Larry looks on. Mardi Gras, New Orleans

Mama and Pete @ Celtic Fest- 2010

Jan Webb & Mama @ Enoch's October 2010

there are SO many photos of Mama- literally thousands from her youth until now- [i made so many of her] impossible to choose the best ones. thank God, Mama made so many photos, and preserved so much of all our lives. i picked up the mantle when she put it down, in the 60s. i have her old Kodak & Polaroid Land camera- and have used them for decades. Funny that later in life she would always remark about how many photos i made/make [the acorn doesn't fall far from the tree] asking "what are you ever gonna do with all of those?" - especially considering how many digital/phone photos i made/make which nobody ever sees. 

She would often 'pose' for me [go along with me, is more like it] in various garb; letting me wrap her up in brown paper, or burka like shawls, or wearing strange sunglasses/hats , or whatever; she was a good sport...MOST of the time. lol. 
 Mama was amazing, had amazing strength, and had an amazing life. She lived through some very hard times; the flood, the depression, the war, and things i don't think most people today could. Out here in these woods w/ 2, then 3 children, when there were little to no people- only a handful of families who had been here for ages. No electricity or running water, no indoor plumbing, or gas stove etc. She had to tend to the animals, gardens, cut firewood, carry water- as did my siblings who had to help her. Had to can and preserve, sew and God knows what. My father worked on the pipeline, so was seldom at home. We sometimes [later] went with him. Of course, i remember very little of my 5 years in the old family home [which i now own] except from photos & some memory. i do remember the wood stove; her milking cows, churning butter in the kitchen; the rain barrel; chickens, cows, goats, horses etc. a log smoke house near the woods. a real farm, which she had to do everything on, mostly alone, with the help of my brother & sister, who were only children. But that's how life was then for everyone 'out here'; and it was hard for them all.

Mama was a fun loving person... and quite a character. She loved to GO, and loved to DO. She loved rock & roll and loved to dance. When she came over to Switzerland and i was on tour, she insisted on going to every show- 18 one nighters- despite having had knee surgery. She loved to travel- she always came to visit me, wherever i was living at the time; whether it was little rock, los angeles, new orleans, or colorado. I'm so happy she got to go to Europe two times; i wish she could have gone more; but she got to see some of Switzerland, Germany, Italy and France; Jackie, she & i also took a cruise to Mexico for her 90th birthday.

Jacqueline & Mama in our penthouse suite- Carnival Cruise 3.6.2008

Mama w/birthday flowers from Jacqueline 2007

She loved flowers- and she worked in these yards like a field hand up until her 90s. now, i feel it is my responsibility to do the same, although never in my life would i have the energy and stamina she had. She and my father were the two strongest people i have ever known in my life. they had incredible knowledge and life experience. She told and taught me so much, but there is so much more i wish i knew, that i will never know- both about her and Daddy's lives. 

Mama's 93rd birthday

Mama and the lilies [which are in bloom now]

Having spent the day, going through thousands of digital files and photos of Mama today; this has been a way of honoring and remembering her; reliving so many moments; making this, a small photo tribute to her. There are so many photos, it would be impossible to post them all- or even the best ones. But, they brought back many memories and made me smile through some tears. Rest in peace, most precious one.

[C]2012 DOUG DUFFEY