Friday, January 20, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
diaries, death, mourning, coping
i have not been blogging, lately- have not even been doing much Facebooking, either- have mostly been writing in my Moleskine journal which i bought in Dresden in august- [my paper fetish led me to them, and now i am hooked]- with my fave pen. Oddly enough, i began again this year [after mostly just typing 'diaries' on my laptop] to regularly write my journals; something I've done since the 70s, but have only been doing when traveling for the past decade.
the internet was spotty at best in zermatt, the 6 days we were there; same thing at Uetliberg [which meant no Magic Jack] - my Android phone worked, but i was not about to poke around on the phone w/my stylus to do emails or spend a fortune on long distance.
i had every intention of working on [editing] a lot of the music i have done, and took new Bose speakers & new Sony headphones and did nothing. Nor did any collages or drawings, but ended up reading more of Ned Rorem's diaries, and writing in my own; when i wasn't sleeping all day into night, going to the gig, then going back to bed. high altitude & thin dry air only makes me tired. plus more bad news did not help.
Today: it's early morning- grey and cold- coffee & ciggies- staring blankly at the snow on the Jura, smoke floating from chimneys- out my boudoir window. i'm back in 'happy shiny people' zombie prozac mode, after going off it for a few weeks, cold turkey, [before during & after zermatt] and consequently, going off the rails.
i was tired of not feeling- feeling but not REALLY feeling- not being able to process fully what i felt i should have, how i should have. As everyone who knows me knows, i was hit hard all of 2011 by loss, which has continued into 2012, with more family members and very close friends passing. i feel like i have been [as the hospice people said i would feel, after Mama died] "living in suspended animation for at least a year"; After the withdrawals & side effects of going off the prozac, i decided i would be better to continue in suspended animation until i can see my doctor and get weaned off, slowly.
so many people have been so kind, considerate, and sent condolences and sympathy/empathy; and i really appreciate it. others act as if i should be 'over it' by now, and getting on with my life as if nothing has happened; get back to normal; [i don't even know what normal is anymore; nothing is normal anymore] and some have actually said "well, i didn't think you would take it that hard" - it hasn't even been a year since my father died [January 27] or my precious mama [April 14] =losing those two people who loved me unconditionally for all of my 61 years is not something easily gotten over; not to mention all the other family members and friends [who were like family to me] who have recently passed. it has changed me for life; i don't think i will ever be 'my old self' again- and am not sure who the new self will eventually be.
During Mama's illness i kept busy making collages; doing them in the living room on the couch/coffee table, while she watched tv. i HAD to stay busy; that was a way to be with her and try to take my mind off the reality. she always complained that i stayed "on that damned computer"- so, voila. After she passed i could do nothing. i was totally non functional for months.
when i came to switzerland in august for a short tour, i at first channeled my grief into solo improvisational piano music - finding words to painful to cope with. normally doing anywhere from 5 to 10 pieces daily, for weeks. when i came over i began that - and experimenting with my old synth and Mac- multitracking and doing some solo stuff- i continued in Monroe, waking, writing and recording daily; and then again when i came back here in December 2011, which i have continued to do until last week.
i slowly began to process, through lyrics, some of my feelings; starting with going out on the terrace w/my Hermes baby typewriter- typing up pages of thoughts into lyrics then immediately going to the 'garage studio' and putting the music to them. writing/recording two songs "living again" and "the same thing" in august; i wrote one or two more in monroe; then more when i returned here- and now have enough material to release as a cd [although i plan to only make my music available as digital downloads] called "the mourning season"
it was/has been cathartic and somewhat healing for me; as i hope it will be, for others. i still need to mix and fix- and master, etc- but it brought me back around to 'song writing' as it should be for me; not some made up bullshit to try and be hawked to some imaginary audience or market; but real feelings and emotions- from real experiences- created with NO preconceived thoughts of money or commerce; but only about 'the work'- which i plan to continue. if people like it, fine; if not, fine. the solo piano sessions and synth stuff will be waded through and edited when time permits; maybe vocals added to some. je ne sais pas.
i have moved on to collage again, as a means of 'staying busy' and focusing on something other than emotional issues. [after my derailment]- it's amazing how many hours i can spend 'lost in space' working on one piece. reminds me of foto darkroom work, when i used to do it, i'd be printing photos then walk out to find it was daylight, and i'd spent the whole night with chemicals, film and paper, oh my. like coke in the 70s.
the 8.5" x 11" collages are easily scanned, which i like; the 18" x 12" not so, although i prefer the larger format. so i need to find a large bed scanner somewhere, as i think i am not going to sell my original collages anymore, preferring to sell them as photomontage [prints]
My days here are growing short. i have not even begun to pack all the crap i brought with me, nor the things i have acquired while here. good thing i am a Medallion member and can haul 2 big suitcases back, for free; Delta baggage handlers have destroyed one of my suitcases- ripped both handles off- so for revenge I'll use it, just to torture them. payback IS a bitch. already dreading the TSA nightmare from hell called Atlanta. as Wayne says "I'd rather drink bleach" than have to go through there.
The last band concert of this tour is January 21st at Mahogany Hall in Bern- and my pre birthday party. i love to perform there; its like my 'home club' in Switzerland. We always have a great audience- and it has a great grand piano, stage, acoustics, sound system & the molto fabuloso sound engineer & my old friend Martin Ritchards- and wonderful staff. after that, i have one private show on the 28th, then, its back to Louisiana to for a few months of 'hermit/monk' life: to work on myself, my music, art, photography; plant my gardens, be with my babies [my 4 cats] - deal with a lot of stuff i couldn't cope/deal with last year; and hopefully, as everyone says they will, things WILL get better... and this is where i insert [hello, carl] "always look on the bright side of life"
[C]2012 DOUG DUFFEY
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