i have spent the last year [and many months] trying to make sense of, and decide what to do with, what's left of my life. No melodrama intended in that sentence. C'est vraiment vrai. For the 1st time in my life I've felt totally alone; with the exception of very close friends, who have been there for me, and seen me through the hell that was 2011 [which has dragged on into 2012] and are still here for me. I've seen other friendships and relationships strain and/or crumble, over what i consider to be mostly meaningless trivial stuff; possibly my fault; possibly not; but... i cannot and will not beat myself up about it. life goes on... and on... and i must do the same.
I'm trying to convince myself and believe that nothing exists, or matters, except the moment I'm/we're in; that my/our "thoughts" create situations that don't even exist; that are not even there; that are imaginary. Nothing i ever said or did in the past, nor anything i 'think' i will do in the future is relevant to the here and now, to the present. when negative, paranoid,or guilt thoughts come, i tell my mind to "shut up"; and by doing so, turn them off.
so often, so much mental dialogue plays, that i am having conversations and/or arguments with myself about things that really do not matter or exist. I beat myself up over things i 'should've could've would've' done, or DID do, which are no longer relevant. i am trying seriously to not even think about tomorrow, or any time after then...
All the noise and racket and bombardment on the senses 24x7 of this modern day world drives me crazy. i should have been born in or before the Victorian era. Silence IS golden. maybe platinum. Therefore, when home [and i almost never leave home unless i absolutely have to] i never turn on tv/radio/stereo or whatever. the house is so quiet that i can actually hear the clock ticking; which might not be a good thing, but it does remind me that time is fleeting; that whatever i 'plan' to do, needs to be done now. to quote nina hagen, 'the future is now'... BUT
i've stopped waking and thinking "i MUST" do something [fill in the blank] - and to quote phillipe martig [swiss friend], "i must do nothing" has become my mantra. i don't even consider jumping feet first into the rat race; it is what i am avoiding. now, normally - after coffee and journal writing- i only do whatever is in front of me that i 'think' needs to be done- be it music or art or laundry or dishes- with NO stress. i know from experience that in the big picture nobody can MAKE anything happen. My father always told me not to worry about anything because there was nothing i [anyone] could do about it.
Except for performing live concerts, i am happy to have delegated my business, i.e. merchandise [music, art, and photography] to cyberspace. With both distributors i have absolute artistic freedom; i can release anything i choose. i don't have to worry about impressing someone's brother in law, relative or friend, with no music business experience, who just got made "A&R man" at the label. [more common than you think] - or deal with the snake pits of the music or art worlds- both of which i have experienced first hand since my 20s.
i was asked recently "when were you happiest?" - to which i replied, "i don't think i have ever actually been what most people would consider happy; but when or if i was, it was short lived" so the question was changed to "well, when were you most content?" to which i said, "when i am in the creative process; i am only happy when i am creating" - a few days later i thought of that, and thought of Joseph Campbell saying "Follow your bliss..."
yesterday, i finally edited [for release] 7 improvisational solo piano cds, which i 'conceived and gave birth to' here, at home, last year. they were done as therapy- as meditation- as prayers, using my electric piano direct to MiniDisc- then transferred and cropped in Sound Forge. With the exception of some reverb on some tracks, everything is exactly as i played it. it was done in my usual work mode: make coffee, roll some smokes, turn on machines and sit and play until the MD is full, then put in another one and keep going, OR, if i have been at it all day and night, stop and begin the same routine the next day. i usually only stop to make more coffee, roll more cigarettes, and or eat.
When i am in Switzerland,i do the same routine with the solo acoustic piano [except that i use a Tascam DR1, placed on a crate behind the piano, to get bounce back from the concrete wall, then edit the files on my laptop in Sound Forge] and synth improvisation: which i sometimes record directly to a MiniDisc, if i am only using one track/one voice- OR to a Mac G4- using Audacity- if i am multitracking- then transfer the files to my laptop, fly them into Acid- and edit/mix/etc] --- i have not even begun to delve* into the improvisational acoustic piano tracks or synthesizer works i began in 2009- 2012. but at least i have a years worth of cds finished, to put online, while i do*.
after editing and burning the 7 cds I listened to, checked/proofed them, while i did several charcoal pencil drawings, which will go online, for sale, as soon as i scan/upload them. as is, i am selling prints of my work: which the company can print in various forms: on a stretched canvas [like a painting]- or just the canvas; on a slab of acrylic; as a matted and framed print; or as a print only- and in many various sizes. i am amazed at all the possibilities. i will be adding my original analog ['hand made'] works very soon.
I'm trying to convince myself and believe that nothing exists, or matters, except the moment I'm/we're in; that my/our "thoughts" create situations that don't even exist; that are not even there; that are imaginary. Nothing i ever said or did in the past, nor anything i 'think' i will do in the future is relevant to the here and now, to the present. when negative, paranoid,or guilt thoughts come, i tell my mind to "shut up"; and by doing so, turn them off.
so often, so much mental dialogue plays, that i am having conversations and/or arguments with myself about things that really do not matter or exist. I beat myself up over things i 'should've could've would've' done, or DID do, which are no longer relevant. i am trying seriously to not even think about tomorrow, or any time after then...
All the noise and racket and bombardment on the senses 24x7 of this modern day world drives me crazy. i should have been born in or before the Victorian era. Silence IS golden. maybe platinum. Therefore, when home [and i almost never leave home unless i absolutely have to] i never turn on tv/radio/stereo or whatever. the house is so quiet that i can actually hear the clock ticking; which might not be a good thing, but it does remind me that time is fleeting; that whatever i 'plan' to do, needs to be done now. to quote nina hagen, 'the future is now'... BUT
i've stopped waking and thinking "i MUST" do something [fill in the blank] - and to quote phillipe martig [swiss friend], "i must do nothing" has become my mantra. i don't even consider jumping feet first into the rat race; it is what i am avoiding. now, normally - after coffee and journal writing- i only do whatever is in front of me that i 'think' needs to be done- be it music or art or laundry or dishes- with NO stress. i know from experience that in the big picture nobody can MAKE anything happen. My father always told me not to worry about anything because there was nothing i [anyone] could do about it.
Except for performing live concerts, i am happy to have delegated my business, i.e. merchandise [music, art, and photography] to cyberspace. With both distributors i have absolute artistic freedom; i can release anything i choose. i don't have to worry about impressing someone's brother in law, relative or friend, with no music business experience, who just got made "A&R man" at the label. [more common than you think] - or deal with the snake pits of the music or art worlds- both of which i have experienced first hand since my 20s.
i was asked recently "when were you happiest?" - to which i replied, "i don't think i have ever actually been what most people would consider happy; but when or if i was, it was short lived" so the question was changed to "well, when were you most content?" to which i said, "when i am in the creative process; i am only happy when i am creating" - a few days later i thought of that, and thought of Joseph Campbell saying "Follow your bliss..."
yesterday, i finally edited [for release] 7 improvisational solo piano cds, which i 'conceived and gave birth to' here, at home, last year. they were done as therapy- as meditation- as prayers, using my electric piano direct to MiniDisc- then transferred and cropped in Sound Forge. With the exception of some reverb on some tracks, everything is exactly as i played it. it was done in my usual work mode: make coffee, roll some smokes, turn on machines and sit and play until the MD is full, then put in another one and keep going, OR, if i have been at it all day and night, stop and begin the same routine the next day. i usually only stop to make more coffee, roll more cigarettes, and or eat.
When i am in Switzerland,i do the same routine with the solo acoustic piano [except that i use a Tascam DR1, placed on a crate behind the piano, to get bounce back from the concrete wall, then edit the files on my laptop in Sound Forge] and synth improvisation: which i sometimes record directly to a MiniDisc, if i am only using one track/one voice- OR to a Mac G4- using Audacity- if i am multitracking- then transfer the files to my laptop, fly them into Acid- and edit/mix/etc] --- i have not even begun to delve* into the improvisational acoustic piano tracks or synthesizer works i began in 2009- 2012. but at least i have a years worth of cds finished, to put online, while i do*.
after editing and burning the 7 cds I listened to, checked/proofed them, while i did several charcoal pencil drawings, which will go online, for sale, as soon as i scan/upload them. as is, i am selling prints of my work: which the company can print in various forms: on a stretched canvas [like a painting]- or just the canvas; on a slab of acrylic; as a matted and framed print; or as a print only- and in many various sizes. i am amazed at all the possibilities. i will be adding my original analog ['hand made'] works very soon.
[C]2012 DOUG DUFFEY
