i woke totally emotionally paralyzed today, as usual. i wake this way daily; and have for most of this year; almost unable to cope or function. [i probably shouldn't share SOME things in a public forum, but what the hell? everything IS public anyway.] this year has been the worst of my life; and i am not recovering from the losses. i am just getting up and trying to get through every day; do only what HAS to be done; and forget about the rest.
i have become agoraphobic and isolationist. i keep the phones unplugged most of the time, and dont answer my cell. i only communicate via email/blog/FB. i can't deal with being around crowds or noise. i live like a monk who's taken a vow of silence; and have even thought that might not be a bad idea; but i dont think there are any monasteries for 'former southern baptist' monks anywhere. i cant convert because i dont believe in dogma and doctrines. besides, i have lived a whole life of contemplation... and come to no concrete conclusions.
when i think 'what does it all mean?': this business of living- especially in this day and age- staying stressed out 24x7 just to work forever to pay bills; get older and older, more infirm, and have more and more pain, until you're institutionalized, or [mercifully] die before that happens; then you're gone... to where, if anywhere? it makes me crazy. I've never understood 'the meaning of life' it seems totally pointless.
considering there is no proof of aliens or gods; in reality, we all live by faith. my faith has been tested beyond measure, and yet, i continue to believe in the power of the Holy Spirit, miracles, and continue to have HOPE, despite everything; and keep reaching for the brass ring; take a licking and keep on ticking, as it were.
my life has never been normal; i've never been truly settled anywhere for long; my last years in new orleans were the longest i'd lived in one place, until i 'bought the farm'- stuck all my stuff there and in storage- then egan my migration of going back & forth to europe for 20 years.
now, i feel i'm at a crossroads and don't know which way to go; or what to do. before, i knew. then i think "peace, be still" that i will be lead to wherever i am supposed to go, and to whatever it is i am supposed to do in my life, when it is time. it sounds 'hokey'- but i have run out of the strength to fight anymore- everything has been put on automatic pilot. so, i suppose my life will continue as it has...
i wake up and feel like i am underwater. the hospice people told me i would feel like i was in 'suspended animation' for a while... i think 'a while' was an understatement. i've been broken and i am not sure i will ever heal or be whole again. everything has taken on a different meaning.
my work has become more important than ever; it has become my earthly salvation.
[C]2011 DOUG DUFFEY
