SATURDAY JUNE 9, 2018
MONROE, LOUISIANA USA
YET ANOTHER RANT:
the best laid plans ... again fall through. i removed myself from FakeBook for a few days, as it tends to eat all my time. and yet, here I am ranting on Blogger, instead.i slept all day yesterday, and if and when i woke, would take more meds and go back to sleep; I had a gig at enoch's last night, but slept til about 7PM, then started getting dressed; planning not to get there until 9-ish. we started at 9.30. I think the gig went well, but i was narcoleptic; like i was sleep walking through it. As soon as it was 'quittin time" I, as is my wont, split. i dont 'hang' anymore, unlike the old days; but "hanging" makes alcohol a temptation, and I have to drive a long way to get home; so never want to risk it. I stopped drinking mainly because of that; and because of all the meds i take, i didn't want to risk being another rock and roll casualty. silly me.
i got home from the gig, tired but awake. Finally ate, while watching Camilla Läckberg crime series on MHZChoice; went to bed shortly thereafter, but slept until 5:30-6Pm today. I made coffee and worked on a drawing in Photoshop; then activated my FB account and posted it to my ART & PHOTOGRAPHY page. I need to spend weeks uploading [and adding the texts to] all the art i did in 2017 and 2018, which I'd edited for my Fine Art America site. I also want to start scanning all original works on paper, and wood, and sell the originals from the site; but keep them available as prints. So much of the digital work are on 3 kaput hard drives; but that will be described here, later.
I grabbed a few of my old 'commercial' cassettes last night and listened to them on the way to Enoch's. They were mainly made [had runs of 50-100 done at a time] to sell on gigs, back in the day; i sold a lot of them when I worked on Bourbon Street, late 80s early 90s] - the tracks on "Rock & Roll Bitch" were done at various studios: JY Studios, Monroe; James Arledge Studio, Nahville; Ronnie Kole Studio, Slidell, La; Sullinger Studios, Little Rock. While driving/listening, I was trying to figure out where what was done and who was on the sessions. On one tune i thought, "damn, that [guitar] sounds like Rusty [RIP]" then I remembered he, Don Garret [RIP], Ty Corbett, and Puddy Man, had done several tracks with me at Sullinger's in Little Rock. After hearing that one cassette, i've decided to clean the tracks up, if I can find original recordings that have been digitized, OR just transfer everything from cassette to digital, Master it in Sound Forge or Audition, and release them. I didnt really remember what a rock and roll animal i was, until i hard that stuff, again...
I didn't get around to hearing "Sex & Soul", or "Hoodoo U Love" again... and gave them to Dan to listen to, in parting last night. Tonight, curiosity got me, and i looked in the same full box and found the original "Honest Mistakes"[originally recorded at JY Studios] which later got chop shopped, as did my Ultrasonic sessions "Living the Blues" - taking out 'like' tracks, to create 2 cds- which are now the solo sessions vol. 1 & 2- Louisiana, and Cabaret Vieux Carre. Still songs on both original sessions never got released.
then there are the hundreds of live recordings; me solo at Jazzfest, and me & Anders Osbourne [duo] at jazz fest; the big 12 piece band here at La Folklife Fest, and many european concert recordings [with and without band] I keep saying I am going to do these, and never do. ALL the Street Level shows, and - well, the list is endless. Even now, in this decade, LSRFDD, and BADD have some great live recordings; we should release them now, instead of 20 years from now. I doubt i'll be around 20 years from now. I probably need to release all MY old stuff "the whole long cassette" on youtube w/only a photo; but have the individual songs on an 'album' for downloads only... or as 'burn on demand' to cd, cassette, or thumb drive.
i've said it a million times but i really need a 'grant'[or several] to archive all the music i have written and recorded; as a Louisiana artist, there should be something out there.
i am exhausted today, and have been most of the week. i don't know if it is severe depression or what. i've certainly had enough lately to make me depressed: the loss of 2 dear friends, back to back, just after losing more friends. The sorrow takes its toll. I have almost come to the point of just accepting it, and moving on. after a certain point, of SO much loss, the grief and pain adds itself to the grief and pain that already lives within one; you absorb it, and carry it until your death. i live in a constant state of despair and despondency, which my priest says is a sin [of sorts]; that God wants us to be happy. I might eventually get to that, on my spiritual journey, but at this time and place, it seems very distant.
I never imagined I would be going through this as much as i have done. It makes me want to NOT get involved with new people, to never love anyone or anything, ever again... I get to that point very often; too often; and to the point that i don't even want to be 'here' anymore. most days i wake up, and wish i hadn't; or dread waking to what this life has become. If death is like sleep, or when they 'put you under' for surgery, i think mine will be almost welcomed. [Ich habe keine Freude im Leben; je n'ai pas de joie dans la vie; and haven't for years]
"We now return our souls to the creator, as we stand on the edge of eternal darkness.
Let our chant fill the void in order that others may know.
In the land of the night the ship of the sun is drawn by the grateful dead." - Egyptian Book of the Dead
Then there is every kind of bill shit coming at me at once: 450$ to get my car ready to go to little rock to do 3 gigs; one of which fell through because i [and friend] couldn't get the PA to work [so lost that check!] .. and then there were 2.... [did I break even?] - I also discovered on getting home and checking the post that my auto insurance had been cancelled, and i had to cough up 450$ [magic no.] to be re-instated, which is only about 1/3 of the total bill. But i told them i couldn't hand over 1200$ on the spot. not with a new hand almost every other day wanting another 500$+
i paid 'the plumber' 450$ just before leaving, who didn't finish installing the tankless hot water heater, saying it wasn't working, and that i needed to replace it, etc. which i don't understand, it was totally new and in the box! he took all info and went to home depot, then i never heard a word from him; he wouldn't return my calls, or messages. he did 2 out of 3 jobs; installed dishwasher, new toilet, but I still have no hot water.... and even though he told me the dishwasher heated it's own water, when i looked, after running it 2 times, the dishes are still dirty. one spoon was still thick with peanut butter residue. so, cant take a shower, cant wash dishes- unless i manually do them in a plastic 'dish pan'- can't wash any white clothes, etc. to say I am pissed off would be an understatement. Seems I have been handing out 450$ to I don't know how many damned people, last week!!!!! there are times that i truly hate human beings. it's so hard to get good help, these days.
Thank God for my yard man, who is as good as gold, reliable, honest, really an all around super nice and good man; who does great work... and doesn't bleed me white. i got home from Little Rock to find he'd mowed the acres; that made the return somewhat nicer. but i only see it when I drive into the driveway; I haven't been outside except when i had to go somewhere... and with this heat i wont be able to enjoy 'outside' until October...
I have to recover the data on the 3 hard drives i accidentally burnt up; data i desperately need, containing all original works and works in progress [art, music, photos, lyrics, etc] plus so much irreplaceable stuff, like family photos I can never replace; some of the family photos i had borrowed to scan; those family members are now dead. Thank God my 'computer' guy, is like my yard man- honest, reliable- and is very helpful. Data recovery is costly; and he told me [at enoch's last night] that the company we chose to work with, wants $500 up front, for ONE HD, but I have 3- so I'm looking at 1500$, which isn't gonna just drop out of the sky. BUT the last place I used charged 1600$ for one! it's always something... either a miracle will happen and 1500$ will fall from the sky into my bank account, or I am gonna have to do them 1 at a time... which is still a bitch.
Then there are my health issues, which I keep trying to avoid. even though I am always in pain, i really do not want to have the hernia surgery, and be out of commission for possibly 6 weeks. I suppose bed, heavy medication and books would be a good choice; but, i don't even read anymore, either feel i don't have time; or feel guilty that i am not doing something productive/creative or profitable. passive entertainment just doesn't 'do it' for me. Thinking of being cut open again [last time was my colon cancer surgery] just terrifies me, now. And the idea of a knee replacement is totally out of the question; I don't want any alien parts put into my body. I'll suffer it as long as i can stand it...
Doing my creative works, which are all basically "creative avoidance" of everything outside myself, are all that keeps me on the rails. As long as I can stay focused on them, lose myself in them, i don't focus on anything else, like all the ever pervasive BS in the world.
even though i have been a zombie for the past week, i think it's time to go back to bed, NOW [even though i haven't been awake that long] and try to get up and get to church in the morning; unfortunately i slept through confession today, so will not receive 'the Holy Gifts' [communion] tomorrow... but, I seriously need spiritual revitalization... asap.
