For the Roses

i woke, but didn't want to get out of bed, this morning, because it was COLD! But it was cold and SUNNY, so i poked my nose out the door & thought "hmmm might be a good day to mow"- but... the ground is like quicksand [quickmud?] since it has rained off and on all week- or maybe forever? so i put on the coffee, sat down to my journal & smokes and let the day drift into- or past- my life. 

after, my 'morning rituals', i began working in the house yet again. i had stopped during the preparation for my photo exhibit and concert & didnt pick up where i'd left off. it takes weeks to choose the photos, get them printed, get all the materials needed for framing, have them framed, get them to the venue, then get the show hung just right- so all of what 'house' work i had begun... stopped. i was like Ms Havisham [if i repeat that reference its because i have watched it every time it comes on PBS this month] everything left exactly as it was... not because i was left waiting at the altar, but because ART, my Mistress/Master, needed FULL attention. it was a blessing in that it [all the preparation] was during and leading up to the 1st anniversary of my mother's death [April 14]- and kept me busy-occupied- and not dwelling on it every minute; possibbly every other minute. the concert & show were on that day; and i did my very best in memory of/in honor of her.

stage- at sound check- rayville arts center

 i have been and am in the endless process of what i call "sifting" - sorting through everything in this house, boxing labeling storing- both mama's and my things; which has gone on for a very long and very hard year. everyone deals/copes with loss and grief in their own way- and our family- and i- has and have- suffered FAR too many losses. it has been a nightmare year. i have lost not only my parents and family members, but many VERY close, and close friends, within a year & half; i calculate 12 losses, altogether! I've felt, and feel, gutted. the worst year of my life. so... i have been 'isolating' for a year, have been a hermit [even more so than usual] with the exception of my time in switzerland this year, and what shows i have played here statewide. in switzerland i had my love, my OLD antique upright acoustic Burger & Jacobi piano, from the 1800s-and my vintage kawai 1 synth  and Mac in the garage/studio- 

burger & jacobi- mon amour

vintage: mac g4 & kawai k1 synth

so, daily  i dealt with and coped with and processed my emotions, thoughts, multitude of feelings through music; and a gazillion recording sessions; both acoustic and synthetic. IT was my therapy, my salvation; it kept my mind occupied, [actually UN-occupied, since everything was free form improvisation- i just went where the Spirit led me] and was a deep and spiritual healing process; it was the best way for me to cope with everything at the time; but then, it always is.

since i have been home... i've not done much music therapy. too many other irons in the fire ["back to life, back to reality"] & have had a few gigs in between the endless sifting. i haven't even set up my keyboard; but sometimes will run to my laptop and do some loop based tracks in Acid, Rebirth, Bram Bros Taureg- OR on my phone, recording direct into my laptop/Acid. It's all absolutely experimental instrumental music- and a total escape for me. it blots out everything else; as do all my creative endeavors when i am IN them.
My acoustic spinet which i learned to play on, is so out of tune, i don't use it. pity. i have had it since i was 12, and studying classical piano. it might make for some very interesting recordings; especially since it is in my house [our family home] which was my grandparents, then my parents: where i lived the 1st five years of my life. there could be some serious cosmic and spiritual connections in recording on it there... reverb and delay cover a multitude of sins [on out of tune pianos] - have Tascam DR-1 will travel... next door...

i cannot do creative/spiritual work in clutter and chaos. it stifles and paralyzes me. it makes me crazy. since i have been home, i have been TRYING to create order so i CAN work! Wanting everything to have a place, be put in its place [and for me to know where that place is]- get rid of clutter so i can work, and so it is also easier to clean. but it is overwhelming [its also very emotional]- with so much of my mother's things and mine, that at times i just shut down, and cant go any further; cant do anything more. going through the lifetime of possessions collected by someone you love is almost impossible; there is just so much you cannot let go of, or get rid of. it's too personal. too emotional.
we both had a lot of "stuff" - 'we' still do. i always keep things because i think i can use them for art... or use them later for something... but, i am also beginning to see that "less is more" - now if i could just have someone go through all my clothes and get rid of them...

BUT on the overwhelming days, when i am hobbled, i will sit and write in my journal, drinking endless pots of coffee, smoking endless cigarettes; thinking and writing about everything from past to present; questioning everything from existence to death; the meaning of everything and nothing; why we're here, for what purpose are we here, and how did we get here, where do we go?... ad infinitum.  [but i have been doing that since youth; ever since i could think and process]- that in itself is not a waste of time; it's cathartic. "i do what i can, when i can" is my new mantra, as is "i will not do anything i don't want to do"- and knowing where my comfort zone is and staying within it is my plan of action

i am slowly getting better, thanks to 2 new therapists and changes in my meds. i am absolutely not ashamed to say that. i was beyond miserable, drowning in depression, and had to do something about it; so i did. i could have done nothing and stayed in the black hole, in the abyss; or try to find my way out, and back into the light. i chose the latter. i know my parents/family/friends would not want me to suffer as i have done; nor do i. when asked by my therapist when i was happiest, i truthfully said "only when i am creating"...thus my need for order, asap, so i can get back to creating, healing, asap.

post morning ritual, i was semi multi-tasking [ADD mixed w/OCD?] obsessing, trying to clean and 'pick up' organize and do this and that, in hopes of getting things finished, or closer to finished; dealing with drudgery, which i hate. passing a window, seeing the sunlight, flowers and the breeze moving the plants and trees, reality FINALLY set in and SAID, "you do NOT have to do this" - "you do not have to do anything!" SO, i said to hell with it, and went out and into the sunshine, and immediately felt the weight drop. i am learning to tell my mind to "SHUT UP!"

My friend since the mid 60s and former band mate Raymond Battillo came and visited the other night; he brought me some hand made & hand painted bamboo & oyster shell wind chimes; bamboo which he had found and cut himself. i love them; they look very aboriginal [the painting] i had hung them yesterday, just under the eave of the carport, so the elements wouldn't ruin them.  

hand made/hand painted bamboo & oyster shell wind chimes by raymond battillo

seeing them today, i decided to get most of Mama's off the dead limb of the tree where they have all hung [that is rather strange, that only that limb is dead] for years - and move them. some had gotten tangled and i stored them under the carport last year to untangle- but i didnt have the nerves; some are in disrepair & need mending. some are in a tree by the patio, but I've decided to also hang most of them under the eaves of the house to preserve them, and so as to hear a symphony of wind chimes, when they chime. so, i got the ladder & began getting some of them, and hanging them, then- as usual- other ideas popped into my brain.

i had noticed when at Mama's desk [which i am using as my 'hand' writing desk: i,e, my journal, cards, letters, lists etc] looking out the bedroom window, that the wisteria and one of the rose bushes had runners so long that they were about to climb the tree.

vignette @ writing desk

so, i went out and pulled all those rose limbs/runners, after cutting off the dead wood, and pushed them down into a big concrete pot/planter thing we have, covered them with potting soil- layering them- so they will make more rose bushes. then i decided to check on all the other plants around the yards which i had layered last year. 

i put on my rubber boots and waded through the yard. last year 1 of the 2 fremaining apple trees made one apple; the other apple tree had died. i planted the 1 seed from the one apple in the hole where the old tree died- but nada. i also layered a limb from the healthy tree: had dug a small trench and pulled a limb down, scarified it, covered it with dirt and put a concrete block on it- and sure enough- today, when i looked- it had rooted. i was ecstatic. it will go where the old one was; and i will continue the process till i have an orchard; same thing with fig trees, azaleas, oleander, roses, anything that can be layered! i'll transplant them in fall.

this time last year i was making and planting gardens- [many thanks to sarah, ralph & jan] but during the summer the bigger, lower garden, fried- the upper* smaller scattered shade garden did great. lesson 
learned.

lower garden 2011- cross & sunflowers

i cant deal with working two, this year, so i'll probably just have one kitchen garden* and possibly plant flowers where the big one was; or melons; or anything that does not need a ton of care. the native American corn, beans and squash planting  comes to mind... but so do the coons and possums... as daddy said "plant enough for yourself AND them"

the roses. the roses. my mother had a green thumb- she could stick anything in the ground and it would grow. and she did. and it did. her old  roses are beautiful and seem to have always flourished in this crawfish clay of a yard. 

crawfish castle

she would always cut them back; but i plan to cut them back, ONLY to cut off the dead wood, and take cuttings, and stick them in the ground all over the acreage! with or without jars [see 'jar method' below] - today the old trellis Mama had tied together for years came apart when i was snipping off dead branches. i will either try to put it back together, and back where it was, or use it in a piece of artwork. 

old time roses on a trellis mama had rigged & strung together

one of the tiny white rose buds on a bush in the front yard

last year i wanted to make a memorial rose garden, along the front of the patio, for mama. i did the jar method which i have done for decades and always had good results; almost all the roses in my yard were started from cuttings. but, last year, trying to grow about 30 cuttings, only one rose actually grew [but is doing great], so i am about to try it again, before it gets hot. i want to layer and propagate from cuttings as many as i can, from all the varieties on the property, and the marsala sister's heirloom rose.
i need to be outside soaking up the sunshine and communing with nature. it does my soul good. i know how it nourished me last year, and i still need that nourishment; I've been inside too much and for too long. i need that contact with nature; with the universe; with the Creator. i never feel as connected to the earth, to home, to my roots, to sense of self, or to God as when i have my hands in the dirt... when i am 'creating'
my doctor told me i need exercise and there is no better exercise than lawn & garden work, gardening and landscaping, all of which needs to be done desperately before summer. i did not get the house keeping or yard man gene, which both my parents had in abundance. they worked like field hands, even on the hottest of summer days, from daylight till dark, even into their 90s.
if the good Lord's willing and the creek don't rise [or flood]- i.e. if it doesnt rain, after my morning ritual [i'm going to go load the coffee pot NOW] i'll put on my rubber boots and wade through the mud again, all around the property, and further inspect various plants i layered last fall, and transplant them. then, with clippers in hand, i will go for the roses.
now, it's time to crawl in bed with my girls, Domina & Barbra- my furry alarm clocks- they wake me at dawn, or before, to be 'cast out'-then i go back to bed. i just hope the phone doesn't ring before 1PM. i'll give the yard time to dry...

domina and barbra-deux femmes fatale

[C]2012 DOUG DUFFEY